the gods of d&d

[transcript]

I’m Will and this is my entry for the Prismatic Corpse D&D rewrite project. I will be (oh my god) reading off a list of all the gods in D&D and saying what they are of. I had this idea and it’s just way way longer than i thought. There are maybe 25. 

Well, I’ll start:

• Auril: this is so difficult, I’m gonna go to ones I think i can get. 
• Chauntea: easy, god of drinking tea. Chauntea is the god of drinking tea. 
• Cyric: sounds like a King Arthur character. So that would be the god of… 

This is completely demoralizing right now. There’s just so many. How do you even individually even over the course of 40 years make 25 things. 

• Helm: is the god of helmets. 

I’m writing this down, no I’ll be transcribing this. Great. I can’t wait to listen to this.

• Gond: Gond. Sounds like weed. Easy, god of weed. Count it.
• Azuth: That’s… 

I was going to say “god of evil” but the next one is Bane. You know what would be smarter, if I went one by one instead of just jumping around. 

Okay, I’m going to start from the bottom because I’ve been looking at these for a while.

• Waukeen: is the god of… it’s Joaquin Phoenix. More of a demigod figure.
• Umberlee is the god of cities. It’s kind of a boring one, but that’s just it.
• Tyr:  Tyr? I’ve heard this before, this is probably like a good one. That’s god. That’s like the main one. I’m looking up and there looks to be more main ones.

I’m getting some interference… we’ll play through.

• Tymora: that’s the third Sister Sister Sister
• Torm: that’s the god of… 

I’m now just listening to the other thing, let’s see if you can hear it.

Okay, I’m back. We decided to play through but now I’m under a blanket.

• Waukeen: Is the Joaquin Phoenix.
• Umberlee: is the god of cities I think.
• Tyr: is the main god. 
• Tymora: is the third Sister Sister Sister, like the Macbeth witches. Easy.
• Torm: I’m starting to sweat, it’s very hot in Boston, I have the AC off. Torm is the god of being a worm. Not like the god of worms, but the feeling of when you are a worm. Oh my gosh, it’s Mort backwards. Nope. It’s Mrot. I thought I had something.
• Tempus: is the god of time. That’s easy, but also backwards it’s Supmet, like a greeting.
• Talos: this is like some nordic shit. That’s the god of that’s the god of when I see a tattoo of a rune that someone has. I’m not sure kinda what the deal is with the runic tattoo. Some alt-right shit, or are you a runequest guy? Can’t be both.
• Talona: I’m really sweating now, I’m gonna have to take a break in a second. Talona is the god of talons. You know, we’re getting around there. Talona is a big talon on the world bird. And it’s not the biggest, but it’s the only alive one. Or at least that’s what the tales say. So, Talona: the world bird. 
• Sune: I should not be going in reverse order. Okay, I’m going to go back from the top. 

I am back, it was just too hot. I’m a child. So…

• Sune: the god of New York colleges
• Sylvanas: is the World of Warcraft one? Is that right? In particular it’s the god of when you play a tie-in video game that doesn’t need it. Or, rather, that’s not fair. And who am I to say. So really, it’s the god of tertiary experiences. 
• Shar: is the god of getting burned with an insult.
• Selûne: it has a carrot on it, so Selûne, or… I don’t know how to say it, so why am I guessing? That is the moon. That’s not a god but it’s in god level. Like it’s at the pantheonic level because it is a celestial body. And that body is round and cratery. 
• Savras: that was pretty southern, the way I said that. Savras. What is that backwards? Sarvas. It’s an anagram. It’s funny to say that things are anagrams, because you’ll just halting visualize it. So yeah, savras is a mind disease.
• Oghma: I actually think I know, is that the orc one? Or some evil one. It’s got a lot of rough syllables, and D&D conflates that with being evil. Oghma is the god of using language inappropriately. 
• Mystra: that’s the prequel to Riven.
• Myrkul: that’s the frog god, gonna burn through a couple of these, because this will take all day.
• Milil: Milil, Milil, Milil, Milil. If you think I’m struggling with this one, I am looking at one that is already rougher. Milil. Milil. Milil. It’s the god of weak atomic force.
• Mielikki: That wasn’t hard but I hated saying it. Mielikki: can I skip this? I can’t. This is my own project. But I’m… Mielikki. Mielikki. I’m just being silent on mic thinking about this because it’s so bad and the next one is really good. I have stop doing the next one. I have to do this one. This is the god of building, not the city god, which you’ll remember is named Umberlee (wow I remembered it), this is the building one, but of building craft projects that are a little bit too big, such as: you got a dresser off the street and you’re going to reinforce it with pieces of your old dresser. I did this one time. I’m just hammering at night. A night hammering session. Very mean to neighbors. 
• Next god is named Mask: Self explanatory but it’s the god of masculinity (thank you).
• Malar: Malar. This is the god of a material, that’s a woven tough material.
• Loviatar: this is Kurt Vile’s backing band. Violator, I think it’s an anagram for violator. There should be another L. I’m just looking at letters, this is terrible.
• Lliira: come on this is elves, okay? Is there already an elf one? No. I’m gonna have to cut out a couple silences because I’m just in deep thought. 
• Leira is the god of.. This one does say something backwards. It is Ariel. So yeah it’s the mermaid god.
• Lythander: is the god of Final Fantasy villains. 
• Kelemvor: Kelemvor, Kelemvor. That sucks y’all. Kelemvor is probably just a big laughing skull. It’s the god of getting a computer virus from the movies, and it’s a laughing skull that says “we have your pictures, and your passwords, and your data “
• Ilmater: this is when the sidekick from Cars is sick.

Ah we’re back at Helm, which I did type for, and it is the god of helmets.

• Gond: Weed. Weed god. Gond. Gond is great.
• Eldath: Eldath probably. I’m not sighing at the tradition of dnd, although I am usually, this is more: I’m so close, but… 

Shout me out of I nailed any of these. I think I probably got helmets. 

You can hear screaming from a TV. There’s swear words. I’m literally just sitting here looking at it. 

Do you ever hear, like when you’re doing a project, the last 20% takes 80% of the effort? I feel like I’ve been doing the last 80% with 100% of my effort.

• Eldath: is the god of when you raise a celebrity figure, or someone in your community, to a level where you would carve them into something, like you would make a mount rushmore out of them. And they can’t ever deliver at that level. You know, of being a big rock guy. They’ll never earn it, but you’ve made them earn it. And that’s what eldath means. It’s a vengeful cursing god.
• Deneir: deniro. Denearest exit for this podcast. Is this a podcast? Oops! Denear the end. Only a couple more.
• Cyric: oh this is the first I did I think. Second one. And it was King Arthur stuff, I don’t think I said what it was. This is the god of when you want to get into something, say like Arthurania, but there’s so much of it and people are so already in it, that it’s imperceptibly hard to get into it. Like: homestruck or baseball stats or all the different D&D gods.
• Chauntee: is the god of drinking tea. I actually know the god of drinking tea, and they live in boston. 
• Bhaal: is the god of balls.
• Beshaba: that’s an evil one.
• Bane: that’s also evil.

Okay, let’s make them friends. Beshaba and bane, and bhall can be their friend too. They are all friends and they play in a hardcore punk band, and Bane plays drums. Bane plays loud, can’t play very fast, so he plays cut time all the time. Beshaba is the bass player. Bhaal is a hardcore singer that takes way too long between songs. Not that hardcore frontmen take too long talking about things that are important, Bhaal is, like I said, the god of balls. It’s more just a vibe that Bhaal puts out. But the tunes are good.

• Azuth: this is, i’m so close, there’s literally one left after this. Azuth. Azuth is the god of completing a task on your own after work. It’s so important. Azuth. It’s going above and beyond when you could've just not done this, but you did. And that’s what Azuth is to me. Azuth was the tasks we completed along the way. Productivity’s a scam. That’s really what this is about.
• Auril: I forget what I said. I think of Pokemon when I read Auril. It’s got a lot of Pokemon sounds. This is a Pokemon, not a god. I’ll remove this from the list.

Thank you, this has been all the D&D  gods from memory, goodbye.